A Really Good Conversation

Some of my best conversations with Him come via earbuds and Spotify's random play function. 

 

"Holy (Wedding Day)" by City Harmonic

 

This song puts life in such perspective.  I really identify with the picture of a bride longing for her wedding day, and overflowing with joy in the knowledge that her groom is being crowned the king.  

 

 

"The King and All His Beauty" by Matt Boswell and Matt Papa

 

Yes, Father.  How Worthy You are.  Oh that I would be able to sing this song every moment as I live here and go about my days.

 

 

 

 

"Braver Sill" by JJ Heller

 

Yes, I know.  You allow the pain and the hurt because even in that You show your kindness.  Somehow the subtlety of Your voice conveys even more profoundly your wisdom, omnipotence, and commitment to my good.

 

 

 

"Burn for You" by Rivers and Robots 

 

Watching and praying.  That is what You call me to.  Let it be Father.  Make me burn for You in a way that not only propels my relationship with You but that brings You glory in my environment as well.  But You must be my first love.  Let my relationship with You be all that matters.  More than my impact here. 

 

 "If You Want me To" by Ginny Owens

 

 

 

"Messiah / You're Beautiful" by Phil Wickham

 

 

Yes, Father.  Let me just keep my eyes on you as I walk wherever You lead.  Your beauty.  Your providence for me.  Your throne and sovereignty over all things.  Your immanent return.

 

Thank you Father.  Thank you for meeting with me this morning and speaking to me through these songs.  Help me to keep listening today.

 

Spanish Blog: My Summer In Paraguay

  *Click here to read the story behind my Spanish Blog 

All I have to do is close my eyes and I am there again – curled up on a thin mattress with my arms wrapped around a similarly thin pillow in an effort to help it support my head.  My whole body trembled as I sobbed uncontrollably.  Surprised by the wave of despair that had suddenly taken control of my being, I tried so hard to be quiet and keep the girl in the bunk bed next to mine from knowing that I was crying.  It was useless, however.  I knew she must have heard me. 

 

 

With this realization quieting me slightly, the thought occurred to me that even this situation could be used to bless the fifteen-year-old missionary girl.  God had taught me a lot about vulnerability in the previous year, but still it was one of the hardest things I had ever made myself say.  I swallowed several times to get down the lump that had formed in my throat so that I would be able to speak at least somewhat clearly.  “Emily*, would you please pray for me?  I’m feeling really homesick right now.”

 

“Okay,” she said. 

 

And I knew she would.  Emily may have been somewhat immature, but she was not unfeeling.  And I knew she would be concerned for me - at least for a few minutes, before the sound of heavy breathing told me that sleep had overtaken her.  Relieved and slightly impressed with myself for having gotten it out, I rolled back over to face the wall and give in once again to the monster of depression, which had seized me.  I couldn’t remember a time in my life that I had cried so hard.  I had only been in this country for about a week and I didn’t know how in the world I would last for another eight.  I felt completely alone and unappreciated. 

 

 

During my sophomore year of college, I had felt a strong desire to go on a missions trip of some kind in which I could serve using the talents God had given me.  I had always been very interested in missions, and especially after my family’stime at the missionary training school. Yet I had never been on a missions trip of any kind.  I thought that perhaps God would lead me into missions at some point in the future, and maybe spending some time in a foreign country doing some on-the-job training would allow me to see how God might use me in the future. 

 

 

I contacted a missionary agency and expressed my desire to spend a summer helping a missionary family somewhere overseas, and I was put in contact with a family of seven doing Bible translation work in a remote village in Paraguay.  I would travel to Paraguay by myself and spend about 9 weeks of my summer living with this family, teaching their children, and helping out in any way that I could.  Now, after being with the mother and daughter for one week while waiting for the roads to their village to become passable, I was forced to remind myself continually of the ambition with which I had come.

 

 

Without a friend in the entire continent, I had tried determinedly to pour into and encourage the missionary lady and her daughter in the short time I had been with them.  The mother was obviously very disillusioned about Christians in general and had done little but complain to me about the way Christians (even missionaries) acted.  I listened to criticism after criticism sympathetically, trying in vain to connect with her through sharing personal experiences.  She didn’t seem to take much interest in me except my ability to listen to her.  I realize now that she was dealing with a lot of inner turmoil, but as a 19-year-old girl experiencing foreign missions for the first time, I had little to offer her.

 

 

The night’s occurrences had brought all of this to a hilt.  I wanted for nothing more than to have a friend to confide in or ask advice of.  I had tried everything I knew how to do to get through and obtain any sign of appreciation or affection, but all I felt was drained, and I had no way of communicating with anyone back home since cell phones and internet were luxuries unavailable to me.  So I cried out to the only One I had – the only One I would have for the next two months.  I pleaded for strength, for comfort, for wisdom, and for words of encouragement to pierce the emotional scars my hostess had apparently attained during her lifetime in missionary service in Paraguay.  If I were going to make any difference at all, it would have to be through my heavenly Father.

 

 

My summer in Paraguay proved to be one of the longest of my life.  Were it not for my careful attention to the passing of days and weeks, I might have said it was nine months instead of nine weeks.  The struggle for peace in my heart despite feelings of inadequacy and defeat was constant, but this brought me to my knees.  I had very little opportunity to communicate with anyone back home while in Paraguay, so I was quite dependent on God for comfort and companionship. 

 

 

I learned what an incredible difference an hour or two spent with God – searching His word, and pouring out my heart – could make in my attitude.  So often during that 9 weeks I would find myself at the end of my rope and discreetly run away to sit on my bed and search the scriptures for encouragement.  This would give me peace of mind like nothing else could while I was there.  I had never before experienced true companionship with my Heavenly Father like I did that summer.

 

 

Besides the reassurance I got from God through reading the Bible and spending time with Him, the biggest encouragement to me was the motivation of seeing Emily slowly open up to me about her struggles as a missionary kid, and the only white girl her age in that area of Paraguay.  Almost every day Emily and I would go for a long walk right at sunset.  Often we would talk about silly or inconsequential things, but sometimes she would tell me about the loneliness she experienced, or how ostracized she felt by her peers whenever her family went home to the states for furlough.  My heart went out to Emily so I tried to be an encouragement and also a good example for her, and I was encouraged to see her slowly open up to me and appreciate my listening ear and my advice.

 

 

My time in Paraguay was the hardest experience of my life to that point, and had I realized what it would be like going into it I probably would not have gone, and yet I am so thankful that I did.  Not only did I learn so much about missionary life, and the unique struggles and opportunities of missionary kids, but I came to know my heavenly Father on a whole new level.  He was my Sustainer, my Comforter, and my Truest Friend.

 

 

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For Your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  (Romans 8:35-39)

 

 

*Emily’s name has been changed for confidentiality

 

 

Influence

Derek and I were at a dinner with fellow believers last night, and they graciously allowed me to mostly listen during the conversation (as is usually my preference in group settings).  I'm seeking to learn to delight in the people and exchanges around me and participate through silent prayerfullness when not vocally.  This role has helped me to rest in and accept the introverted nature bestowed on me by my Creator.

 

At one point the conversation drifted to discussing politics and the brokenness of our societies (both Peru and the US) and about how difficult it is for a Christian to rise to a position of influence politically or professionally.  As they discussed, I was thinking about how God calls us to reign with Him and have dominion--words which seem to imply great influence.

 

 

Revelation 5:10 – “and you have made them a kingdom and priests to our God,  and they shall reign on the earth.”

 

Daniel 7:27 – “And the kingdom and the dominion and the greatness of the kingdoms under the whole heaven shall be given to the people of the saints of the Most High His kingdom shall be an everlasting kingdom, and all dominions shall serve and obey him.”

 

Galatians 3:29 – “And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise.”

 

2 Timothy 2:12 – “If we endure, We shall also reign with Him.”

 

Hebrews 2:8 – “You have put all things in subjection under His feet." For in that He put all in subjection under him, He left nothing that is not put under him. But now we do not yet see all things put under him.”

 

Ephesians 2:5-6 – “even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus”

 

 

I wrestle to understand how much of this describes our present role versus our future role.  However if prayer is as powerful and consequential as I think it is, it alone constitutes a force at our disposal that is a lot like the power to reign.  Since Christ is already seated on the throne of heaven and doing His will in all the world, and since He has seated us with Him and handed us the authority to pray and thereby bring about His plans now, then in a mysterious, behind the scenes sort of way, we ARE reigning, or at least possessing the potential to reign, right now.

 

 

As Paul said in 1 Corinthians 4:8, “Already you have all you want! Already you have become rich! Without us you have become kings! And would that you did reign, so that we might share the rule with you!”

 

 

I think that we underestimate our potential influence in the here and now.  We see that the world doesn’t value what we have to say, but I wonder if spiritual beings in the world take much greater heed of us and our prayers of faith—perhaps even than we do. 

 

 

I think of Daniel and the incredible influence that he and his prayers had in an incredibly pagan setting.  And He was not someone who seems to have aspired to greatness personally.  He merely prayed 3 times a day and accepted the suffering which came to Him as from the Lord’s hand of mercy and grace.  He managed to keep his spiritual eyes open and watchful in the face of temporal anguish. 

 

 

Oh Lord, keep my spiritual eyes open.  Allow me to recognize the kingdom missions that you place before me daily and help me to have faith in the victory potential offered to me by Your authority.  Father, remove my fears of personal discomfort, injustice, weakness, and mismanagement.  Enable me to delight in the seat of royalty you’ve bestowed on me for the present time and grant me wisdom to embrace the ways in which you call me to reign in the world today.  Amen.

Reflecting On Our Years in Cusco

 

We’re just over a month away from completing our time in Cusco.  I’ve found myself reflecting a lot lately about how I’ve seen the Lord at work during these 6 years here—how He’s worked around us to grow His church in Cusco, and how He’s worked in my own heart to change and mold me.  I truly feel amazement and incredible gratitude for both.

 

 

How I’ve seen God Grow the Church Here

When we arrived in Cusco, our church, Fuente de Gracia, had just been planted and there was a small group of around 40 people—primarily missionary families and Peruvian young adults meeting for worship services and Bible study gatherings.  Everything was fairly missionary led at that point with some national participation on the worship team and hospitality set-up. 

 

Since that time, it has been a joy to watch the Lord grow the church both in number and in depth of commitment to the Lord and His people. 

-       The church has expanded to include 80+ people of all different ages and stages. 

-       Peruvian men and women have stepped into significant leadership roles, working together to develop vision and strategy for set-up, sermons, children’s ministry, youth ministry, small groups, Bible studies, fellowship events, and mercy ministry.

-       Passion for meeting together and praying together has grown significantly.

-       The church family has learned to care for one another through very trying times, reaching out to one another, praying for one another, and speaking scripture to one another.

 

Just this past year, in particular, it has been an incredible delight to watch the Lord lead individuals in church through times of great uncertainty and then, after a season of walking forward by faith, He has come through with perfect solutions and answers.  He’s provided jobs, homes, locations for the church to meet, physical healing, and relational restoration.  We’ve seen bonds form between brothers and sisters in Christ where there was previously tension.  We’ve watched husbands and wives die to self, putting the other first in reliance upon the Lord, and we’ve heard testimonies shared over and over again about God’s constant goodness and faithfulness through hardship. 

 

 

We have truly received a KINGDOM WHICH CANNOT BE SHAKEN (Heb. 12:28) and He is constantly adding to the GREAT MULTITUDE STANDING BEFORE HIS THRONE (Rev. 7:9-12) and INCREASING HIS GOVERNMENT over more and more people and places (Is. 9:7).

 

 

NOW TO THE KING ETERNAL, IMMORTAL, INVISIBLE, THE ONLY GOD, BE HONOR AND GLORY FOR EVER AND EVER.  AMEN!  (1Tim 1:17)

 

 

 

How I’ve Seen God Grow and Change Me

I’ve told friends that I feel like a completely different person today from who I was when I arrived in Peru in 2015.  I could write for ages about the things that I’ve learned and ways that I’ve changed, but most significantly:

 

My view of God has changed.  I now see and experience Him much more intimately.  He’s taught me to hear from Him in ways I never did before.  He’s shown Himself to be much more of the hero and plot mover in His kingdom story—even down to the smallest details—than I ever realized. 

 

My view of the gospel and God’s kingdom has changed.  I’ve learned to see the gospel as so much bigger and greater than mere salvation.  I’ve come to truly delight in the astonishing invitation to partnership and kingdom rule that God instituted at creation.  My understanding of the kingdom of God and its presence, power, and impact has increased exponentially.  That word—kingdom—has taken on a concrete, dynamic, and incredibly consequential concept for me. 

 

My view of myself has changed.  As the Lord has taught me to delight more deeply in Him, my fear and dependence on human approval have lessened, and I’ve grown in confidence of how the Lord could and does choose to use me.  And so, I now see myself as capable of much more through the Holy Spirit’s power.  On the other hand, I’ve seen God work most mightily during my times of greatest weakness and dependence, and so I’ve also come to see myself and my efforts as much less consequential—in and of myself.  I’ve seen my sin more deeply during these years and learned to wrestle more proactively for my own sanctification.  I’ve learned to see more greatly my need of the body of Christ for that purpose as well.

 

My understanding of the role of prayer has changed significantly.  That’s a whole other blog post, but suffice to say that when I say significantly, I mean SIGNIFICANTLY.

 

My view of missionary service and ministry in general has changed significantly.  I’ve done a LOT of thinking and wrestling through my own thoughts on this topic, and last year some of it culminated in my writing an 11-page Philosophy of Ministry paper that helped Derek and I to process a lot of experiences and thoughts from our time serving with MTW thus far.  That document, which expresses our current convictions and aspirations, can be viewed here. 

 

 

 

And for those who have read this far…. Thank YOU for your role in all of the above.  I’m so thankful for the body of Christ rallying around us and our efforts and propelling these changes for the kingdom these past years.

 

 

Spanish Blog: Learning to be Real

 *Click here to read the story behind my Spanish Blog  

 

 

Have you ever felt like you are wearing an invisible mask and no one really sees the real you?  I realize that today, in 2021, we are all wearing masks due to COVID.  But what I am referring to is putting up a front so that people will see only what you want them to see in your personality. 

 

 

During my second year of college I came to the realization, one day, that I was presenting the world with a version of myself that wasn’t completely honest. 

 

 

How did I arrive at this realization?

 

 

The Lord used two good friends in my life.  One of these friends was willing to confront me and ask me difficult questions about myself.  She expressed to me that she wanted to know me—the real me—but that it felt like I wasn’t willing to be real and vulnerable with her.  This was a very challenging and surprising message for me to receive.  It shook me a bit.  I had never had a friend before who was willing to poke that much at my personality.  The other friend who the Lord used was available right at the time when I needed someone to process these things.  She listened, encouraged, and walked with me through my need for growth.  I’m thankful to the Lord for both of these friends and the way that He used them to help me see myself more objectively.

 

 

What was I trying to hide?

 

 

I think that as I had grown up in the church and been taught to exemplify Christ in my interactions with people, I learned, over time, that it was important to appear “good” to others.  I wanted not only to be liked and approved of, but I wanted the people in my life to have no reason to doubt my virtue.  The problem with this was that I was a fallen, sinful human just like everyone else in the world, and keeping that part of me hidden had created a barrier between me and other people.  I was allowing the world to see the person that I wanted to be and not the person that I really was.

 

 

This was a complicated concept for me to discover, because on the one hand, we are called to put on the characteristics of Christ.

 

 

“…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires,  and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”  Ephesians 4:22-24

 

 

On the other hand, however, the way that God has decided to grow us to become more like His son is through being honest with each other about our struggles.

 

 

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”  James 5:16

 

 

 

Now, I don’t think the Lord expects us to share our struggles and sins with everyone in the world.  I think it takes discernment and faith to discover the people whom God has provided in your life to walk with you in your own growth and mortification of sin.  And of course we will not be able to find these people if we are not putting ourselves in community with a family of believers. 

 

 

Occasionally the Lord may send you someone like my bold friend who pursues your heart relentlessly, but more often He will simply put a deep longing in your heart to be known. And when that longing burns within you, you will ask the Lord your Father to provide you with a community.  And you may be tempted to stop there, but the prayer of faith is one which is followed by action, so by faith we must risk being hurt by other people and ask for the privilege of being genuine—of removing the mask and being honest about struggles. 

 

 

Of course making a move like that is quite scary the first time you do it.  It certainly was for me.  But the promises of scripture assure us that we can trust God to protect and care for us even in moments of great vulnerability.

 

 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

 

 

"Be strong and courageous ... The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  Deuteronomy 31:7-8

 

 

 

This was somewhat a turning point for me relationally.  Both of my friends were very patient with me and they taught me a lot through their good examples of friendship and their gentle boldness in drawing me out.  I continue to journey with the Lord in navigating how to be honest and vulnerable in relationships.  I do think that overall it has gotten much easier over time.  Though I’ve also continued to experience the effects of the fall in relationships as well.  Sometimes I fail others and sometimes they fail me.  But praise be to God, He never fails us and always works on us to make us more and more like His perfect son.

 

 

Spanish Blog: Conflict and Peace

 *Click here to read the story behind my Spanish Blog 

Shortly after my eighteenth birthday I moved into a dormitory at a Christian college about a 3-hour drive from my parent’s home.  The school had arranged a roommate for me, and I was so excited.  I had been looking forward to this for a long time, praying fervently that my roommate and I would become fast friends.  I was determined to be the best roommate I could be- sensitive, caring, and constant in prayer for her.   I was desperate for someone whom I could really share my heart with and come to know on a deeper level.

 

 

Things didn’t work out like I had hoped, however.  After moving in with my roommate we quickly discovered that we were very different people with different social habits and needs.  I tried to be kind and caring, but by the midterm break I was miserable and incredibly lonely.  I felt hurt in some ways by my roommate, but I didn’t know what to do about it.  I didn’t want to talk about the situation to anyone else because I thought that would be gossip and wrong.  I tried to bear up under the struggle and place it in God’s hands, but while I was home for Fall break I broke down in tears and my parents found out about the struggle.

 

 

My parents encouraged me to have a talk with my roommate about the way I felt, and then seek a different living situation.  I followed their advice.  My conversation with my roommate was one of the hardest I’d ever had in my life.  I naturally run from conflict, and yet as my parents had pointed out, loving another person sometimes means being honest with them when you are hurt.

 

 

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Matthew 18:15

 

 

I realize now that there are some circumstances in which it is not safe or wise for an individual to confront someone who has wronged them alone like that, however between brothers in Christ the Lord often uses conflict to grow His children both in relationship with Him and with each other.  I learned a lot about relationships during my time in college.  The Lord granted me wonderful, dear friends who would encourage me and spur me on in my walk with the Lord, and He also provided challenging relationships which brought me to my knees before the Lord, growing in me a greater dependence on Him.  Through it all He was always a faithful Father and Friend to me Himself.

 

 

After that first difficult relationship with my roommate I recalled the conflict I had worked through with Molly five years earlier, and I realized that in many ways God had used that conflict to prepare me for this one.  In fact, I can now look back and see that not only did God prepare me to walk through that trial with my roommate, but He also used it to prepare me for future trials that He would bring my way. 

 

 

God never brings a challenge to His child for which He has not adequately prepared them.

 

 

 ^“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to His own glory and excellence.”  2 Peter 1:3

 

 

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

 

 

To this day conflict is a thing that I would love to avoid at all costs.  Yet I have learned that true peace often comes only by facing conflict in love and honesty.  Jesus Christ Himself demonstrated a commitment to walk into conflict over and over again for the sake of pursuing righteousness, and so with Christ we must be willing to walk through the conflict He leads us to—putting on Christ as we go, and allowing His love to define us as we speak and as we listen.

Spanish Blog: Loneliness and Fulfillment

     *Click here to read the story behind my Spanish Blog  

During my last couple of years of high school I experienced some loneliness.  I worked hard on my schoolwork to earn good grades so that I could get a college scholarship, and I worked a part-time job at a grocery store to save up money for a car.  My sister and I did share one sweet friend, with whom we often spent time, but I longed for a friend who was just mine—someone who understood me and whom I didn’t have to share with anyone else.  

 

 

I felt like I didn’t fit in with the other young people who I interacted with at school, work, or church very well.  Most of the girls seemed more interested in talking about boys and the latest pop stars than about the things they were learning, or the types of fun that I enjoyed.  

 

 

Many in my situation would have sought out a boyfriend to fill the void, but I was convicted that this was likely not what God had for me at the time.  I had always been taught that the purpose of dating someone should be to discover whether God was calling me to marry that person, and as a high school student I was certainly not ready to think about marriage yet.  Also, I had never met a boy who seemed like someone the Lord would lead me to marry.  

 

 

I had always shared a bedroom with my sister, and given the size of our family (I had 4 younger siblings at this time), solitude was not always easy to find in our home, so I often sought it outside on a swing set behind our house.  I had gotten a CD player for my 15^th birthday, and I often brought it outside and listened to worship music while I imagined heaven.  I longed for heaven because it seemed like the ultimate answer to my loneliness.  I knew that no earthly friend or husband would ever be able to fully satisfy my desire for companionship, because I was designed to long for God and He alone could fill the void completely.

 

 

“As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness; I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.” Psalm 17:15

 

 

I’ve come to see loneliness as one of God’s greatest tools for nudging us toward Him.  I believe He is jealous for me and desired that I throw myself into relationship with Him, and so He was willing to allow me some discontentment for the sake of advancing my journey toward finding Him to be a faithful and ever-present friend.

 

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.  Proverbs 18:24

 

I have continued to struggle with loneliness on and off again as an adult.  Honestly, I think all humans do.  Because we were created to live fully as spiritual beings in intimacy with the greatest of spiritual beings—our Creator God—and yet sin constantly works to convince us that fulfillment is possible—and easier—through human relationships, possessions, success, etc.  We run after these things so hard because we long SO DESPERATELY to be fully known and fully valued. 

 

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”  - Tim Keller

 

 

So when I struggle with loneliness, I know that my first response should be to seek quality time with God.  Then, resting in His full love and approval, I can take steps of faith toward relationship with my brothers and sisters in Christ.  Alongside my spiritual family, we make up a spiritual organism that grows and thrives best together--through constant interaction and mutual pursuit of our Father God.

 

 

  “From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.”  Ephesians 4:16