I’ve been dealing with awful,
miserable morning sickness for the past two months. Yes, after a year and a half of trying and
waiting on God, we are expecting! Yet,
while I am excited to have a baby one day soon, I’m absolutely NOT excited
about what pregnancy has done to me so far.
Nausea is so crippling. I feel so
defeated and worthless all the time, and not knowing how long it will last is so
depressing.
I read a quote the other day, “You don’t know
how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” While I understand the gist of this quote, I
feel that it is misleading. It suggests
that when trials come, we humans prove our real strength. This trial, however, has shown me the
magnitude of my own weakness. I am not
nearly as strong and persevering as I had always thought and hoped I would
be. I regularly feel completely defeated
and cry out to God in desperation. Yes,
I’m still here, and life goes on, but it is only because God continues to
breath breath into me and give me just enough grace to make it through another day. I would rewrite the quote this
way, “You don’t realize how utterly weak and dependent you are on God, until
throwing up your hands is the only choice you have.” or "You don't realize God's strength in you until your own strength gives out."
Last night was one of these low
points, and God was so gracious to give me a couple reassurances. First, He brought to mind Psalm 51:17, “The
sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you
will not despise.”
Then He apparently gave my child a burst of energy, because for the first time,
I’m sure that I felt the baby moving – and not only that, but I felt him/her
for a good 30 minutes. It seemed that
there was a little work out session going on in my abdomen. God is there, and He loves me. And my child is really there (not just a
stomach virus), and he/she needs me.
Deep breath… here comes another
day.
