A Year of Weakness

My last post, on January 23rd, 2017 I titled, “A Glimpse of Eden.”  When I wrote it I had the feeling that I was “asking for it” so to speak.  I was publicly acknowledging the wonderful place I was in—loving God and loving the life He’d given me.  This feeling turned out to be prophetic, because just a few months later, after getting a positive pregnancy test, I began the most difficult year of my life to date.

Now, before I say anything about what made it so difficult, I want to say that I was thrilled that God was giving us another baby.  I had prayed for this for months and prepared for it for years (I’ll explain this shortly).  I REALLY wanted a baby, and after it had taken us almost 2 years before conceiving our first, I wasn’t sure whether God would bless us with another.  So I was and am super thankful for the new life that God had given me.  For me, however, the joy over the gift of a new life was completely separate from the grief I felt over the process of pregnancy and what it does to my body and my life.

The first half of my pregnancy with Finn had been super difficult due to constant nausea.  Thankfully the nausea medicine had been able to keep the vomiting under control so that I never was bad enough to be hospitalized like women with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, but the experience was nevertheless super difficult for me, and so after that pregnancy I devoted hours and hours, days really, to finding preventative measures that would help my next pregnancy go more smoothly.  I used topical magnesium and took prenatal vitamins, milk thistle, and vitamin B supplements regularly for over a year before getting pregnant.  I was much more fit and healthy going into this second pregnancy.  I spent hundreds of dollars on all natural anti-nausea regimens which I had on hand for the onset of my next pregnancy. 

I won’t say that none of these things helped, but it’s actually quite likely that they did.  I have teammates in Cusco whose pregnancies have been worse than mine was and whose nausea lasted much longer than mine did.  For me, however, this second pregnancy was just as difficult for the first half, and much more so in the second half than what I experienced in my first pregnancy. 

My mother will tell you that I am a big baby when it comes to nausea.  I always have been.  It’s just incredibly debilitating to me and I don’t handle it well at all.  I cried almost every day for months—crying out to God begging for strength and endurance, thanking Him for the baby and begging Him to take my suffering.  I often struggled for energy and oxygen (these things were surely intensified by my 11,000 ft. elevation.)  By the time the nausea started to abate, I began dealing with much more intense exhaustion, feeling out of breath after walking very short distances.  I also started to feel a lot of soreness in my belly—I believe due to diastasis recti (google it).  This soreness got worse and worse throughout the remainder of the pregnancy making standing and walking quite painful.  I got through each day promising myself that this would be the last pregnancy I’d ever have to endure and that after it was over, I’d work super hard to get my body back in shape so that I could feel good enough to LIVE again.

Skye was born on January 3rd, the evening before her due date, and while the labor was super hard, we both came out of it healthy, and for that I am so thankful.  I was elated to finally be done with pregnancy and move toward taking back my life with vigor.  But God had some things to teach me yet, that would be learned through some additional physical suffering.

Recovery initially went much better and quicker this time around because I had managed not to tear hardly at all.  During my two days at the hospital, however, I remember noticing that my PUPP rash was beginning to spread.  This extremely itchy rash which sometimes appears at the end of pregnancy had appeared on my lower belly about a week before delivery.  By about 4 days post delivery it was all over my body.  This rash quickly became all consuming and much more worrisome and difficult than anything else I was dealing with including the intense pain of breastfeeding and extreme engorgement.  I finally called my OB’s office’s emergency line after hours one evening and begged through tears for them to help me. 

Over the next several weeks I went through multiple rounds of oral and topical steroids, antihistamines, herbal supplements, and wives tale remedies.  One round of steroids made it considerably better, but then it returned with a vengeance landing me at the dermatologists office at 2 weeks postpartum.  Even now that the rash has finally mostly dissipated 2 months out, I continue to deal with some latent itchiness, probably due to dryness induced by all of the tons of steroids.

For so long during my pregnancy I had counted on things getting better post-delivery.  I knew that breastfeeding and adjusting to a new baby would be challenging, but I had prepared myself for that.  This rash was a wildcard which I had not counted on and that was very difficult to accept after such a long haul of physical suffering during pregnancy.

In the midst of all of this, God presented me with another thorn in the form of diastasis recto.  From pretty early postpartum I started taking walks in an effort to get strong and in better shape.  For so long I had looked forward to being able to get active again and I wanted to do everything in my ability to get back in shape.  I also began doing rehabilitation exercises that I found online to help heal my diastasis.  It soon became apparent, however, that this separation of my ab muscles was pretty severe, and until I was able to regain functionality in my core, I would need to greatly limit the types of exercises I did so as not to exacerbate it.  Running was out. 

The other day I was doing these rehab exercises and feeling quite defeated because the simplest  exercises were SO difficult for me to do.  After weeks of attempting these exercises I was still struggling to do them correctly and feeling like I was getting nowhere.  I began to despair.  For so long I had waited to be able to work hard and get my body back and here I was unable to do the simplest, lamest of exercises.  I had assumed that if I worked hard enough and was diligent enough I would be able to make progress and get strong and healthy again.  I had accepted a year of weakness and inability to control my physical state, but this was supposed to be my time now.  I worked super hard taking as rigorous, intense walks as I could in the mornings and doing these exercises multiple times a day but finally I had to accept that I was still not in control of my body.  God was.  While I was on one of these rigorous walks in the morning God reminded me that for the entire pregnancy I had accepted my circumstances for the moment but clung tightly to the notion that I would take back the control after the pregnancy was over.  I was and had been clinging tightly to an idol of control over my body. 

So I’m learning to accept that I have no control over my body.  I am called to steward the body God has given me, and so I will continue to do the exercises I can and take my rigorous walks when I can, but if God wills that I remain physically weak, I must accept it.  If God wills that I remain itchy  I must accept it.  This acceptance has been a blessed thing.  It’s so freeing, really, to realize that it’s not up to me to work my butt off until I’m fully functional again.  If I do that now I’ll make things worse, so I’ll continue to slowly fumble my way through the lame-o exercises that may or may not gradually close the gap in my ab muscles. 

I’m INCREDIBLY thankful to have a wonderful baby girl, to be no longer pregnant, and to be way less itchy at this point.  It feels glorious to be able to take walks in the morning without pain in my abdomen, hips, and back.  I’m really enjoying worshiping during these walks.  In contrast to the past year, my life feels so bright and beautiful again.  I’m so thankful for the new energy and health and acceptance that God has granted me for the time being.  The freedom to move and walk and do even mundane things from day to day without pain or nausea is AMAZING, and I am determined to enjoy it and live fully for as long as God chooses to bestow these blessings on me.  I am also determined to fight the idol of control over my circumstances—though I know this will likely be a battle that waxes and wanes for the rest of my life.

A Glimpse of Eden

I truly consider myself one of the most fortunate people in the world.  I know that there cannot be many who feel such joy in their work.  There are so many ways in which I can see that God created me for this life here in Peru.  I love the freedom that comes with being a foreigner who is seen as and expected to be different.  I love seeing the hands and feet of Christ in my co-workers on a weekly basis.  I love being able to contribute in a small way to a bigger work that God is doing in this city.  I love being able to share the work that God is doing here with friends back home.

And I LOVE teaching and befriending these missionary children.  I seriously have dreamed of this since I was their age, and when I'm preparing lessons and passing the morning with them in my home, I feel so blessed that my calling and my desire are one and the same.

I bless the Lord for this period of life and ministry that He has given me.  I don't know for how long it will last or how it may change, but I am so thankful that for now God has bestowed upon me this glimpse of Eden--the way the world was meant to be, where one never doubts his purpose and never knows anything but joy in fulfilling it.

- Laura

Christmas and a Lima Vacation

The holiday season has been a busy but beautiful time for us here in Peru.  We enjoyed our first Thanksgiving in Cusco celebrating with our teammates who, as we discovered, have great skill at replicating American food with Peruvian ingredients for special days like this!  We also spent our first Christmas in Cusco and were blessed to host my parents and three of my siblings for a week.  It was very special to be able to show them around Cusco, introduce them to our teammates and people in our church, and share with them what life is like for us here.  Finn had a blast with his grandparents, aunts, and uncle, and of course all of the nice things that they brought him from the States!

We live in the tall apartment building directly behind us.

Finn loved having many volunteers to read to him after his naps!

In Peru, December 24th is actually a bigger holiday than the 25th, because it is on the 24th that families spend time together cooking, feasting, sharing gifts, and then watching the fireworks at midnight.  Everyone stays up until midnight to celebrate, kind of like on New Year's Eve.  For this reason, instead of holding a Christmas Eve service on the 24th, when families are spending time together in their homes, our church had a special candlelight service on the 23rd.  

At this Christmas Eve-Eve service, I directed the children of our church in a small nativity performance.  Finn was the youngest child who I had a costume for, a shepherd's costume, and I had my doubts going into it about whether he would cooperate for me.  Sure enough... as soon as I put his costume on that evening he became upset and was quite determined not to wear it.  So Finn got to watch the performance from the audience with his grandparents.  Maybe next year!

The church kids getting ready for their performance.

On Christmas Eve we spent the morning at the annual Christmas market downtown where vendors from all over were selling artisan-type products.  At this market, like many smaller artisan markets around Cusco, customers are expected to negotiate prices of the items for sale.  When we first arrived Derek and I did most of the negotiating with the vendors for my family on items they were interested in, but over the course of the morning it was fun to see my family gradually gain confidence with their Spanish and negotiating ability!

At the Christmas Market

 On the tale end of my family's visit we flew with them to Lima, and then stayed there for a few extra days to enjoy some family vacation time.  Our time there was very nice and relaxing, and Finn loved getting to swim in pools and play at new playgrounds.  Aside from those things, one of the highlights of our trip was getting to shop in grocery stores that carry things we can't get in Cusco! 

Finn enjoyed getting to see the ocean while we were in Lima.

We enjoyed the summer time weather in Lima!

While in Lima we randomly ran into some "old" friends from language school last year and enjoyed getting to catch up with them!

Now we are back home in Cusco, and spending the week preparing for new ministry ventures that are about to begin.  Tomorrow morning Derek begins teaching a series of Christian Life courses for Peruvian university students, and on Monday I begin a new semester of homeschool co-op with a handful of missionary kids on our team!  We are both so blessed to be able to serve in ministries that we love so much!

- Laura

"Mama, Me!"

Yesterday at Church I taught Finn's Sunday School class, and we were learning about the birth of Christ.  Not quite 3 years old, Finn is the youngest in the class by about a year and a half, and yet the other Sunday School teachers are so sweet and let him attend and participate as he's able.  There's a little box of toys in the corner of the room where he can entertain himself when the class activity is above him.

Last night I realized that my little 2-year-old is a little more capable than I'd been giving him credit for.  I suppose it's probably normal, as a first time parent, to baby your child a bit and underestimate his abilities.  But last night I was surprised and so proud.  (This is your warning: this is going to be one of those proud parent posts!)

As I told the story of Jesus' birth to the class, I instructed Finn to sit in a chair like everyone else, and reminded him several times during the story to please, stay in his seat.  I let  him point out the baby in the picture once, and attempted to include him while teaching mostly to the 4-6 year olds in the room.  When it came time for the craft, Finn was still munching on his snack, and I didn't think he'd really be able to do the craft anyway, assuming that he'd be happy to just continue eating and then wander off to play in the corner when he had finished.

I showed the other children a picture of a Christmas Tree ornament that they would be making with Jesus wrapped in a blanket, lying on hay.  First I gave each child a white star to cut out, then asked them to choose a colored star for their background.  Then they would glue these pieces together, glue another square piece of paper as a blanket around their baby Jesus, glue this to the star, glue crinkled yellow strips (hay) underneath, and finish off the ornament with a pipe-cleaner for a hanger and some extra star stickers.

Somewhere in the middle of doing this craft with the older kids, Finn ran up to me and said, "Mama!  Me!"  I looked down at him, and realized that he was feeling left out. So gave him a white star which I had already cut out, and brought him to his seat with a glue stick.  I began to put glue on it for him, when he again said, "Me!"  So he grabbed the glue stick and proceeded to do just the right thing.  I thought, "okay, then!  I'll let him play with the glue and go back to assisting the other children."

A minute or two later, Finn was at my knees again saying, "star!  star!"

Apparently he had been paying attention and realized that next step was to choose a background star.  So I showed him has options, and he ran off with a blue one.  The rest of the evening proceeded like this.  At the end of the evening, Finn had an adorable little ornament that he made largely himself.  I did the cutting for him, and attached the pipe cleaner for him, but all of the glueing and sticking things together (as well as advocating for himself), was done by him.  He even chose to place 3 star stickers just where he saw another child place theirs (rather than put a million on haphazardly as I would have expected.)

We got to the end of our Sunday School time and I realized that Finn hadn't wandered over to the toy box once!  He'd been a bit fidgety during the Bible story, and needed assistance with cutting paper, but other than this he'd participated like the other children.  That night, I told Derek about it and he reminded me that Finn has been in preschool for the past 6 months, learning to sit in a chair and follow instructions.  Apparently I need to take him more seriously next time I teach.

Homeschool Co-op Prep

I'm getting super excited about starting a 4-day-a-week homeschool co-op with the 1st-5th graders here in January!  I'm already doing some teaching, but in January it'll be in my home and everyone will be all together 4 mornings of the week.  This is what I've been looking forward to since I was a little girl!

A few snapshots of the movable cubbies and supplies that have been slowly taking over our spare bedroom in preparation for the co-op in January:

I can't wait to add to this some things my mom is bringing me from the states!

- Laura

Bible App vs. Print Bible

This morning I was reading the Bible on my smart phone and it occurred to me that when Finn sees me reading the Bible like this, he doesn't know I'm reading the Bible.  I could be simply browsing social media for all he knows.

When I was growing up I remember on a regular basis seeing my mom sitting on her bed with her Bible open, and my Dad sitting on the living room sofa with his Bible.  I saw this constantly, and as a result, always assumed that this is what Christian adults do.  You spend time reading the Bible on a regular basis.  So as I got older, I started to do so myself.  And I'm so very thankful for the impact that this example by my parents had on my life.

But this morning I realized that reading the Bible on my phone might keep Finn from having this sort of positive impact.  Will he know when I'm reading the Bible?

Sometimes it's just quicker to read the Bible on a device, and it enables me to quickly look up cross references, or online commentaries, but is it worth it?  I'm beginning to wonder if I should make the extra effort to use an actual traditional print Bible for Finn's sake.

- Laura

Evolution of a Painting

I've often thought I should document all of the different stages of a painting I do, so when I started my first Peru painting one rainy day while waiting for a team from the States to arrive (their plane was delayed, and we had the day cleared of activities), I decided to take a picture after each day's work.  As of today, I'm still only about a third of the way done with it, but I'll come back and add pictures as I take them.

 

(an up-close)

Stay tuned for updates to the painting!

- Laura